suppose to do my research paper now.. but i'm so tired and my eyes are killing me..
people who are close to me should know that my eyes are killing me.. well.. it gone red and painful.. my room mate was scaring me that it will turn green if i don't rest.. @@ well.. will do after finishing the research paper..
in my current mood, i'm pretty lazy to describe what happened just now in the cafe with mun.. was so happily eating with her and almost forgot the damn thing that happened earlier when mun was having class while jia lin and chris went back home, leaving me alone in college.. but sadly saw something that just reminded me of that damn thing.. it haunts me..
my mood was so bad just now.. that damn thing really haunts me.. it seriously does.. i was so angry just now and trying very hard to control myself.. typed a blog post just now and ended up didn't post it up.. guess was god's order not to let others see my negative emotions..
now that i'm pretty calm.. it really affects me just now while i'm doing my research paper.. ended up feeling so depressed and start praying.. it can't be considered the first time i felt the greatness of having a religion.. i pray whenever i'm sad and so on.. just now, i felt the fight between god and satan in me.. bad images keep flashing in my mind while i'm praying.. i was so scared and angry.. i can't forget how frightening the fact is when i realize it.. i'm fragile.. i'm too weak to stand these.. i was crying for the name of god while praying and the bad feelings keep attacking me.. i'm tired.. i'm very tired.. i ended up calling for peace and keep repeating the same thing in my prayer.. how long did i spend for that prayer? i don't know.. but the thing for sure is that i felt peace in me after praying.. at least i know god's with me all the time that i needed him..
guess it was all arrangement from god before this month's eucharist.. it was god's plan to let me see how cruel the truth is.. it was god's plan to let me finally awake from this blurry dream.. i was right since the beginning.. my first instinct was correct.. god did gave me the ability to interpret.. after all these, it just proves that all my "prediction" was correct.. everything were not just my prediction but the truth! the fact! undeniably, it's sad.. why must these happens?
why are these keep happening to me? why people who i cared so much love to lie to me? why are they being so fake in front of me? why must they cheat on me? why??????
my eyes are tired and painful at this moment.. i put so much eye lubricant on them.. and guess what? i can't even differentiate which is the eye lubricant and which is my tear...
i told myself that i want to be strong.. i wouldn't want to be bullied again.. i wouldn't want to be cheated again.. i don't!!!!!!
i know i'm tough enough to overcome this! if i can made it last few times, i can also make it this time.. i promised to myself, this will be the very last time for others to hurt me..
i'm tough......
